In Kevin's blog "Six" he said there was a theory that our whole lives are decided by six decisions. Well, since reading his blog, my brain has been in overload. I guess the following are the key decisions I've made thus far in my life; made at times when I truly was at crossroads. With some, I wouldn't want to think how my life would have turned out if I had taken another path...

1. Decision to leave South Africa and move to the UK (in terms of decisions, this was the biggy)
2. Decision not to get seriously involved with anyone during my 20's
3. Decision to take part in the first Challenge Transatlantic yacht race
4. Decision not to leave my long term partner after 2 years (did eventually leave him but that was 5 years later)
5. Decision still to be taken! (I'm at a crossroads right now in terms of my life - still need to make the decision on which way to go.....)
6. ........

So, my "six" is actually 4 with 1 that I'm having to make soon and that leave 1 more to still make

Thought I'd share some more of the photo's I took over the weekend. If you click on them you can open up a larger image. Enjoy....

Well, I'm back in my B&B, sore feet and tired legs. I've wandered around country lanes, up the Tor and down, took my time wandering through Chalice Wells, spent far too much money on books (knew I would!), and wandered around the Abbey ruins. Now, I'm tired but still happy.

The weather, thank goodness, was not so cold as yesterday although it was very overcast. Not good light for photography, but that didn't stop me. So, here once again, is a sample of my day:

The Tor. Went up bright and early this morning and there was no-one at the top when I was there. The views were great but can imagine they'd be amazing when the skies are clear.

Chalice Wells. Even though the garden isn't at it's best this time of year, it was very peaceful and beautiful. Loved the little garden statues dotted around the place.

Finally, the Abbey (ruins) with the Tor in the background.

Well, that's been my long weekend. Highlight was definately the early morning access to Stonehenge. Tomorrow I'll drive back home a happy girl!

The B&B I'm staying at in Glastonbury has internet access so am able to blog and share my day with you! Aren't you lucky - or not!!
Anyway, today has been brilliant even though the weather has been cold (bloody freezing!),wet, wild and windy. It didn't dampen my spirits and in a strange way, loved it even more because of the weather.
Had to be at Stonehenge by 8am for my special access. Was pleased to see that besides myself, there were only 3 other people. As we walked towards the stones, I became really overcome with emotion. It was strange and I really didn't think I'd be affected like that! Had to hold back the tears. We had an hour to walk around the stones so it gave lots of time for photo's as well as quiet contemplation. Being up close, you are really taken by the magnificance of the place. It is a totally different feeling from when you wander around the path and look at the stones from a distance. There is definately something - energy - but you really only feel it if you are amongst the stones. Throughout the hour I was close to tears (did let a few tears fall when no-one could see). Whilst I was there, I spotted a bird of prey hovering in the distance. It took me back to when I was exploring around Tintagel and spotted the Red Kites hovering. Most of you will say it's co-incidence, some of you, like me will believe it's synchronicity. I couldn't tell exactly what type of bird of prey it was, but do think I need to contemplate on the message.
I could go on and on, but I'll save that for another post, before I go on to talk about Avebury, here's some photo's I took today:

Avebury was very different. I wasn't as overcome with emotion as Stonehenge, but I still felt it's affect. Because it is so vast, it took a bit of time to "connect". It too is amazing - the sheer scale! Here's a few more photo's:

By the way, they are of different stones and trees. For some reason at Avebury, I was enchanted by both the stones and trees!

Tomorrow I'll be exploring Glastonbury, so will let you know how it goes and show a few more photo's.

This is going to sound very ironic - I work in Human Resources but I absolutely hate Appraisals/Performance Reviews!!! Just realised that not only do I have my own appraisal on Tuesday, but I also have to review the person who works for me on Wednesday. That's how much I dislike them - I forgot!

I know the theory, but I haven't yet met anyone who genuinely gets something out of their appraisal. In all my working years, and they are too many for me to admit to, I've never had an appraisal that didn't feel like a box ticking exercise. So why do we all persevere with them

The way I tend to approach my own review is to take the defensive - if I come out with a load of negatives, a) it takes the sting out of any criticism. Ooops! shouldn't say that - I mean, contructive criticism. And, b) we spend time talking about how I'm too harsh on myself and I shouldn't put myself down so much. It's not a very good strategy and one I wouldn't really recommend. Not good if you are ambitious and want to progress up the corporate ladder. I don't and I seem to make sure I wont either.

In terms of the person who works for me. Well, it's going to be difficult. I know she tries hard, but culturally she's not in the right company. She needs a lot of structure, with clear rules about what can or can't be done. That's not the environment of the company we work for. I also know she is looking to leave as she wants to work closer to home. Something I understand only too well. I'm exactly the same. She does the basics well but that's about it. My boss would like to sack her but I don't think her behaviour/performance is that bad.

Oh well, roll on Thursday evening when I can jump into my car and drive down to Amesbury!

This may sound rather sad, but I'm really looking forward to the week ahead because I have a long weekend coming up. It may only be a long weekend, but I'm planning on going down to Somerset and Wilshire. Besides the trip itself, I'm looking forward to the drive as I actually enjoy driving. My car, I'm sure will also be pleased with a good run.

Last autumn after visiting Tintagel, I decided to visit a few more places that normally I wouldn't go to because of the crowds. So, intention is to travel down most of the way on Thursday evening, stay near Stonehenge, wake up early and visit the stones early before any hordes arrive. What I hadn't realised is that you can book early visits (numbers are restricted) and they actually allow you to enter the stone circle. Afterwards, if weather is good, I'll walk around the site before travelling up to Avebury and seeing the stone circle there. So Friday is going to be a bit of a "stone" day.

I'm then travelling to good o'l Glastonbury where I'll spend the weekend. Again, I've always stayed clear of visiting the place but as said, I shouldn't let my prejudices get in my way. Having booked a B&B, and planned my visit, I'm now actually excited about the whole trip. I've sort of surprised myself with how much I'm looking forward to it.

Will take my camera & pastels with me, in case at any point I feel inspired.

Well, this morning I had my "date" at the hospital and the consulting Doctor happened to be a man. He was sweet enough but no George Clooney. Aren't I blessed this valentines day!!!

Anyway, it's over. The procedure is done, and thanks to JackFrost, I was at least prepared for what to expect. You'll be pleased to know there is no gory detail as the whole thing lasted 20 seconds. There was no local anaethetic and although it was sore, it was bearable. To be honest, in the end, I found the biopsy far more traumatic.

But as said, it's over and done with. There is a 90% chance that I wont be troubled by abnormal/pre-cancerous cells again. So, to everyone who sent me their support, a very big thank you!

Did a spot of painting today. With Valentine's coming up and hearts everywhere, here's "my" heart.

Not sure whether technically the male species can be called a "tart" but we have a neighbourhood tart called Oscar. Oscar is a cat and he likes to be cuddled. He's not totally soft, have spotted him on a few occasions munching merrily on a mouse that he seems to have caught. Judging from the lack of remains, I take it he munches every bit, which I'm relieved about. Don't really want to come across bits of mice whilst gardening.

Anyway, today I spotted him curled up in the garden, asleep in the sun. Decided to try get a photo of him but by the time I got my camera he was up and about. As I opened the backdoor, he came running and demanded, as only cats can, to sit on my lap. Here are a few photo's of Oscar sitting on my lap and enjoying the cuddles and company.

Call me frustrated, desperate, what you will, but today....I did it...I signed up on an internet dating site! The thought of one more valentines day passing by with not so much as a card or a kiss, has driven me to this. To be fair, I'm not totally dateless on the 14th. Have a date with the hospital to have my "cold coagulation" which, as I found out from JackFrost (our wise man of blogland), the procedure is anything but cold! Anyway, don't want to think too much about that one.

So, I will no doubt keep you entertained with my tales of internet dating. Although I only signed up today, have had 3 winks already. All from blokes in the US who are way out of my age range! Anyone who mistakenly thinks I'm a wealthy old maid, has a rather big shock in store!!

Anyway, watch this space.....

Today I walked up a road that I knew was there, but had never bothered to see what shops there were before. Well, I found a few little gems including a gallery shop that stocked books and prints by Brian Andreas. I had never come across his work before or Story People. I bought one of the books Trusting Soul and came across this, entitled General Confusion:

I was pretty clear
on what was real & what
I made up, but with
everything going on in
the world, none of that
seems to matter, so I
just decided to talk less
& smile to myself more,
so as not to add to the
general confusion.

Considering my blog is called "Land of Confusion", I thought it very appropriate.

Have to leave you with one more:

It's hard to believe anything
I say, she told me, because
I was there & I have a
vested interest in being right.

Don't you love it??

In Timsuzi's post "Just six words" he asked if we had to sum up our life in just six words, what would it be. Having given it some thought (not too long) I came up with "who would have thought!"

It is fair to say that throughout my life I have always ended up surprising many people, and at times, even myself. For far too long I was happy to be underestimated. Well, if people don't expect much, how can you disappoint? But that strategy did cause me some problems and I am still trying to undo this life long thought process.

Anyway, here's my list of things that surprised either myself or those around me. Who would have thought that I would have......
* Done really well at athletics (not my teachers)
* Won the Victorix Ludorum (award for the most outstanding female athlete) at school (again, not my teachers. There were bets going round and only 1 person backed me!)
* Passed my final Maths exam (surprised myself on this one)
* Voted the youngest house team athletics captain at high school (again, not me)
* Done well at University (not my peers)
* Forgiven my brother for what he did to me when I was younger (not him)
* "Made" it in the UK (both parents and friends thought I'd be back in SAfrica within a year with my tail between my legs)
* Signed up to take part in a cross atlantic yacht race (everyone who knew me was surprised as I suffer from seasickness!)
* Completed said yacht race! (surprised myself with how deep I could dig when it was needed)
* Left my long term partner at the time (not him)
* Been pushed to a point of seriously thinking about suicide (not me)
* Turned 40 still single and childless (not me)
* Signed up on an internet dating site (not me - wasn't very successful)
* Turned my back on London (not my friends)
* Undertaken my Reiki attunements (not my friends and in some ways, not me)
* Signed up for an Energy/Crystal Healing diploma course (probably not my friends as they don't know about it yet)
* A very naughty side to my character (not anyone who first meets me!)
* Taken up blogging and enjoy it so much (not me. Friends would be too if they knew about it)
* Been brave enough to show my artwork to blogland (not me)
* ........

I'm sure as the days and years go by, I'll continue surprising those around me, including myself. In many ways that's a comforting thought - being such a "nice" person I wouldn't want to be predictable as well!

In the Weekend Guardian, there is a Q&A section in the magazine bit. Some of the questions asked are quite interesting, so thought I'd select a few:

What is your greatest fear?
Not discovering my gifts and therefore not being able to fulfill my true and full potential.

What is your earliest memory?
I have 2 which are before the age of two. The first is sitting in my cot and looking at a large dog that was owned by a great aunt. The 2nd is a number of flash memories of being in hospital (I had asthma at the time) including one of a monkey walking down the street below the hospital. Now before you think me mad, apparantly when I told my mother this, she freaked out as whilst I was in hospital a chimp had escaped from the local zoo!!

Aside from property what is the most expensive thing you bought?
The privilege to take part in a yacht race from Southampton to Boston in the USA. The cost of the training, clothes, etc.. was significant. But then it was a once in a lifetime opportunity.

What would your super power be?
The ability to fly unaided. I'd love to be able to fly free like the birds!

If you could edit your past, what would you change?
Heavy question, this one. Despite everything that has happend, not sure I'd want to edit any bit of it out? So I'll have to answer - nothing.

Have you ever said "I love you" and not meant it?
No

What is the closest you've come to death?
3x and all to do with water! As a very small baby, my brother and sister got bored washing me in the bath so walked out. My mother found me calmly lying covered with the water. Again, I was a baby, crawled and fell into our pool. My father heard a splash, looked up, couldn't see me and rushed to find me again, calmly sinking! He had nightmares for months afterwards. I can still remember looking up and seeing his hand pull me out. Despite these events, I loved water and swimming. Before I could swim properly I ran and leapt into a pool not realising that I had forgotten my waterwings and promptly sank to the bottom of the pool. This time I was saved by my sister.
So, maybe now you can understand why I have a fatalistic attitude towards death!!

How would you like to be remembered?
As someone who in her own way made a difference.

What is the most important lesson life has taught you to date?
Make the most of each opportunity that life gives you.

What about you?

Reading the saturday papers there were 2 articles that got me thinking and thus have inspired my blogs today. They're on 2 different subjects hence I've written 2 blogs.

"I was a member of a free sex commune" - was the first article that caught my eye (for obvious reasons). At first I thought, can't be that bad and smiled at the comment "I had sex two or three times a day. Initially I found this traumatic...." Really, I thought? How traumatic can that be? Willingly join a free sex commune and find all the sex traumatic? If you read further, he explains a bit more about how the commune operated (along the lines of a religious sect) and he pointed out that he had contracted genital herpes and was regularly impotent. Not good.

The interesting thing was, the commune, which has now dissolved, were not encouraged to love or form close bonds either with each other or their children (if a women had a child). If a woman did fall pregnant, they took the child away if too close a bond was developing. And, in terms of who the father was, that wasn't questioned. As a male you had no bed of your own and you had to sleep with a different woman every night. They had to have sex regardless of whether they were attracted to the other person or not. Apparently the group's ideology was based around the writings of psycho-analyst Wilhelm Reich. Haven't heard of him but as I continued reading the article, my initial thoughts of, this could be heaven, soon disintegrated.

As some of you will already know, I'm open about the fact that I do enjoy sex. But for me it is more than a physical act and I most definately need to be attracted to the other person. There is something special about the intimacy, both before and after. So, not sure I'd be in any rush to join a free sex commune!

It's been one of those days, nothing particularly bad happend, nothing outstanding either. The past 2 weeks have been really hectic - during which time I've had to travel (from kent) to Coventry a total of 4 days and even squeezed in a trip to Edinburgh (1.5 days) as well. All for the good of work. Things will be calming down a wee bit from next week onwards but as you can imagine, I feel shattered.

Don't like it when I feel tired as I tend to get teary and down. My logical brain tells me it's natural and it's because I'm tired, but it doesn't help me feel any better. Once again, just feel like everything is going pear shape. Sitting on the train coming home I started to think it would be great to just disappear; to forget about debts; forget about responsibilities; to say "bog off" to everyone and start life all over again. It really is a case of "stop the world I want to get off". What upsets me about all of this is I genuinely hate feeling like this, so end up in a vicious circle of being annoyed at myself which hardly makes me feel Happy & Bright!

On a separate note, Ranfuchs blog started to make me think about my attitude towards death (don't worry, it's not that bad and I'm not considering anything silly). But, I did realise that it didn't bother me. I have no fear of death - it happens, it happens. I may believe that we are all souls that incarnate, but the belief neither comforts me nor distresses me. I feel nothing. I don't think there is any point worrying about it, because it is going to happen one day, and when it does, you're dead!

Think it's probably best to stop now, have an early night and hopefully wake up feeling better. Don't want to make everyone feel down!!