I mentioned in my post "Saying Goodbye" that I hoped I could find inspiration for a painting to mark the start of 2008. Well, I have and I've attached a picture of it below. Again it may not be artistically good but then I'm not a trained artist! But I had a definate image in mind and I am pleased with how it came out. Like the previous painting, when I look at it, it captures the feelings and emotions I wanted it to.

My 2007 painting "Saying Goodbye" was exactly that - letting go and saying goodbye to all the horrible things that have happened in my life. My 2008 picture, which I've called "Wishes upon a Feather" is all about dreams and possibilities. I honestly can't wait to see what 2008 brings and I am approaching it with a lot more enthusiasm, hope and dreams. A real step up from this time last year. Having said that, for all the ups and downs, 2007 was on the whole a good year for me and I do feel that it can only get better!

So, tomorrow 2008 dawns on us - a new year, a new beginning, new opportunities. Except for the dawn of a new year, each day brings a new beginning and new opportunities and that's going to be my motto for the year - see the start of each new day as a day full of hope, wonder and possibilities. And that, my dear friends, is my wish to you all.

May the 1st January 2008 mark for you the beginning of many new adventures, joy and accomplishments. And, may all the good that has happened in 2007 spill over for you into 2008.

Let the end of each day give you an opportunity to let go of any negativity, anger or feelings of worthlessness. Too often we cling on to negative emotions and/or memories of "things" that no longer exist, but which we wish they would. There may also be people who we don't want to leave behind, but again who we should. Remember, letting go isn't the end of the world, it's the start of something new. So with this in mind, I wish those of you that need it, courage to let go.

A very happy new year to everyone in blogland! xxx

As it seems to be a time of year when everyone is "nicking" quizzes/wish lists from each other, thought I'd post my answer to Wendlane's quiz:

1.What is your favourite childhood memory?
Running around the veld in South Africa with my little "gang" (all aged around 4/5yrs old) feeling free and not a care in the world.

2. What Was Your Favourite Childrens TV programme?
Didn't have TV. Brought up on radio & reading books.

3. What is the most embarassing thing that's ever happened to you?
Wrote an email about a colleague moaning about her habit of saying she'll do things and then never has the time. She saw it on my screen and read it!

4.What was the first record you ever bought?
This is awful, but it was Crackling Rosie by Neil Diamond! (I was very, very young!)

5. What is the most important thing you learnt as a child?
You're on your own.

6. When were you last star-struck?
Haven't been. Having not been brought up in this country, when I worked at the BBC, I would see all these people and not know who they were!

7. Which celebrity have you most enjoyed meeting?
Not met anyone who I'd call a celebrity.

8. Which website do you visit most often?
Blog.co.uk; my email account and another site which I wont own up to.

9.Who is your hero or heroine?
Nelson Mandela (for his capacity to forgive and bring a nation together); Joe Simpson & Ellen McArthur (for their tenacity)

10. Which talent would you most like to have?
A wonderful artist.

11. What makes you happy?
Walking in woods when there are few people around; sitting and looking out to sea; being in love; watching animals play; laughing.

12.What scares you?
Not being able to fulfull my potential whilst I'm alive.

13. What are you reading?
Have 2 books on the go - "Developing Spiritual Intelligence" by Altazar Rossiter and "The Heart of all Knowing" by Barbara Meiklejohn-Free

14. What is your guilty pleasure?
Marshmellows

15. What wakes you up in the morning?
Because I need the toilet.

16. How do you unwind?
Blogging, listening to music & recently started to meditate regularly.

17. Where do you escape to?
My bedroom.

18. The best holiday you ever had?
Visiting Mozambique as a very young child.

19. What moment changed your life?
A particular period of depression when I did seriously think of ending it all. I didn't because I just knew that I wouldn't be successful - it wasn't my time to go.

20.Describe yourself in three words
Soft, nice, quiet

21. Favourite building?
RICS headquarters in London (on the corner of Parliament square)

22. Is there an afterlife?
Yes

23. What's your takeaway of choice?
Chinese or Thai

24. Is your glass half empty or half full?
Half Full although some days it feels like it is being emptied rather quickly.

Today my brain has been working hard thinking about the new year (and there I wondered why my boss gave me a mug with the word "philospher" on it!!). This year I've decided to take a leaf out of Tylluapenry's book and use a motto rather come up with New Years resolutions. As I think I've mentioned before, like millions of others, I never stick to resolutions so therefore haven't made any for a number of years.  Resolutions tend to be negatives, about what we need to stop doing. Funny how as soon as we use the word "don't" we end up "doing".

So, today my mind has been working hard thinking of my motto plus a load of other positive statements. In so doing, I came across some sayings I had written down some months back and thought I'd share some of them:

"Begin, be bold and venture to be wise" - Horace
"The highest courage is to dare to appear to be what one is" - John Lancaster Spalding (author)
"Not all who wander are lost" - JRR Tolkien  (I really like this one)
"Too many people overvalue what they are not, and undervalue what they are" - Malcolm Forbes (publisher)
"Friendship is a sheltering tree" - Samuel Taylor Coldridge
"We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen" - Paul Coelho

I have managed to keep my viewing habits to a minimum but this evening, did spot a programme advertised on Channel 5 which caught my eye - Britain's Sexual Fantasies. I was interested to see how the programme would treat this subject especially since it would be presented by a psychotherapist who has apparently researched this area for the past 3 years.

Well it's just finished. It wasn't as mind blowing as I thought it might be. Yes, it is normal to fantasise and everyone has them, to varying degrees. So bearing that in mind, it is interesting that the majority of us find it difficult to talk openly about them. We may be open about some of the "tame" ones but we are afraid of being totally open - afraid of being judged. It's hard enough to be totally honest with your sexual partner, but it is definately not something you talk about with your mates! I know there are various bloggers who have been fairly open about their sexual activities and fantasies, but I do wonder whether even they have been totally honest & open? I've only relatively recently "allowed" myself to fantasise. By this I mean that I don't feel any form of guilt about it. It was liberating to share some of them with the person I was sexually active with at the time. But even though I felt totally comfortable with that person and felt I could tell him anything without being judged, there were things I kept to myself. I'm sure the same could be said for him.

The documentary looked at why we have fantasies (not to any great depth though)and it would seem that basically they have their roots in our childhood experiences. For a lot, it's a way of dealing with a childhood trauma - turning pain into pleasure. This aspect I can, in some ways understand. Thinking about it, I can see the link between some of my childhood traumas and my fantasies.

It would seem only a minority get to act out their fantasies. But then for many acting out their fantasies would actually land them in jail, so understandably it is not something everyone wants to do! Mine are all legal (I think!) but admit I definately wouldn't want to act them all out. Some work better in imagination and I'm not sure would be so arousing in real life!

On that note, I'm off to bed along with my fantasies!!

This afternoon I got a phone call (not that unusual) but this time it was from the gym that I'm a member of. Like a lot of members, I haven't been for quite a few months. But these little buggers have been rather proactive and very sneaky....their Personal Trainers are phoning people up offering a free session in the new year!!! I did tell the lovely sounding man that I thought they were being very sneaky to phone after Christmas knowing people would be more likely to be thinking of the pounds they've piled on!! But a free session is a free session and if it gets me back into the gym then that's pretty good. What the delightful young man doesn't know, is that no matter how good the session is or how fit he looks, there is no way I'll be able to afford further sessions.

I have to take my boxing gloves in for the session (they gave out pairs when you joined up) so I am actually looking forward to it. January is going to be a rather stressful month and I'll be running around like a blue-arsed fly, so going to the gym will be a good stress buster.

This time we'll see how long I last! Normally I'm fine once I get into a routine of going, it's when that routine is broken that I'm done for!!

Whilst I'm still in a good mood, thought I'd wish everyone happy holidays and season greetings!

You can't imagine how happy I was to walk out of the office this afternoon knowing I wont be back until the 2nd Jan!!! I feel absolutely drained and knackered, but so happy!

The week didn't go too badly. I went to the departmental Xmas do on Wednesday - skating in Hyde Park followed by dinner. Pleased to report, no injuries following the skating. Actually, I was pretty pleased with myself as I hadn't skated since I was 10 years old and I didn't fall. PLUS, I didn't hang on to the side either! Have to admit though, the boots were awful. We were all in absolute pain. After 15 minutes couldn't take it anymore so 3 of us decided to find the mulled wine. (Tip: if you have mulled wine that's a bit ropey - put a slug of sloe gin in and it makes it yummy).

Yesterday and today we dropped our "professionalism" and had 80's music playing. The funny thing was, most of the songs we were singing along to, I wouldn't have been seen dead singing along to back in the 80's. But it was fun and at the end of the day today we had some champagne before we all went our merry little ways. So, now I'm just looking forward to relaxing! I am now a very happy woman!!

Being that time of year, couldn't resist a religious posting!

Whenever I'm asked to complete a form to indicate my religious belief, I a) never complete it; and b)if I did, none of the boxes really seem to fit what I believe. The closest seems to be the term "spiritual, not religious" but even then, I'm not sure.
I was brought up as a Christian in the Methodist faith and actually enjoyed going to Sunday school as a child. Don't remember anything I was taught, but it was a good social event. Once I hit my teens, I became disillusioned with organised/institutional religion. There just seemed to be far too much dogma and hypocrisy for my liking - and I'm not even talking about fundementalism. So, I had a bit of an internal battle at first.
You see, I'm not an agnostic, nor am I an atheist. Throughout my years of questioning, I fundementally still believed. What I realised was that my view of God (or whatever name you wish to use)is different to that taught in organised religions. I really don't subscribe to the view that salvation will only come to those who hold a certain religious view point and damned be to the rest of us (by the way, I don't believe in heaven or hell either). In many ways, I do agree with Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens who criticise religion as the basis for much of what is wrong in the world today. But that's probably as far as it goes.
To me my beliefs are deeply personal and I do think each individual needs to find their own Truth. I'm a bit of a magpie in that I have read books on many different religions and spiritual/new age beliefs; gone on various courses and workshops; and basically have taken on board the bits that make sense to me. Things have also happened to me which have added to and strengthened some of my beliefs. Generally, my aim is to try keeping my mind open to possibilities and not closing it down. If we think about what we know as true and as fact today, it has actually changed over time. So, who knows what we'll know as fact & truth in years to come.
What I also used to battle with is the label. I tend to rebel against anything that tries to put me into a box and label it. As soon as we label things, preconceptions are formed and judgements made (not always in the positive). I don't fit into the religious label, nor do I totally fit the spiritual label either. As mentioned, to me it is about taking on board what I feel is right and it is very much an inner journey. I'm not big on gurus although I do like rocks/crystals. But then, they held a fascination for me since childhood and long before I was aware of their new age connections. I now longer battle with the label - I've realised it is actually immaterial. If others wish to attribute labels because it helps them make sense of the world, then let them do so. I just don't fill out forms and if I have to categorise my belief, I do stick to "spiritual, not religious".
Having said all that, in many ways I do still worry (more than I should) about what people I already know think. In that sense I find it much easier to speak to strangers on this subject. But, it is a part of who I am. It is also an important part which is growing as I continue to find out what makes sense to me.

Just been reading a book and was quite taken (in that it has made me think) by what the author wrote about words. He wrote that we have come to think of words as a means of communication but what we actually do with words is anything but communicate. Reminded me of a quote I saw recently from Nathaniel Hawthorne, an American novelist - "Words - so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become in the hands of one who knows how to combine them."

Think about it...
Words are so easily misinterpreted. They are used to control and manipulate; to get what we want; to blame; to surpress; to obscure the truth; to divert attention. We hide behind them. And I wont even mention Spin. We also use them to express what we think and feel - but how often is it the truth? Words can move us to tears. Words have a sense of power yet all they are, are a combination of letters.

Reading a comment RunDontWalk wrote to one of Ranfuchs postings got me seriously thinking. She wrote that she believed "no one has the ability to make me happy but me."

There are those that say an individual is responsible for how they choose to respond to a particular event or situation. And that we are also responsible for how we feel about ourselves in relation to that event or situation. How often have you said or heard others say things like "it's all your fault"; "you've really made me angry"; or "I've really been hurt by XX"? By phrasing it in that way, we are in effect giving away our power and affirming the belief that someone else, other than ourselves, are in control of our inner processes. We are abdicating responsiblity - blaming someone else for the hurt, pain, anger, etc. that we feel. Now, there is a danger that by following this train of thought, we could end up saying that by accepting we are responsible for ourselves, when we feel negative emotions (hurt, pain, etc) we would be admitting blame. I don't believe this is what is being implied. An individual on the receiving end may not necessarily be responsible for the pain, hurt, hardship caused, but they are responsible for how they respond to it.

In many ways, it does make a lot of sense to me. But in terms of attitude change, it is quite a leap!! I don't believe we consciously decide to abdicate responsibility (although there are probably some who are!) but just think about it..... Say to yourself "I've allowed myself to be hurt by X" and then say "I have been hurt by X". It does feel different. Again, there is a danger that those of us who like beating ourselves up, will end up feeling worse!!!

Although it is easy to look at this in the context of negative emotions, this holds true for positive emotions too - "you make me feel like a human being"; "you make me so happy". Going back to the comment RunDontWalk made, I'm sure there are a lot of people who on the face of it would disagree. To those, I ask - is it actually fair to place the burden of our own happiness onto someone else? So, surely we are responsible for ourselves? That does not mean we can't take pleasure from someone else.

I could go on but think I'll leave it at that. Today I seem to have spent most of the day travelling by train so I had loads of time think and ponder on this subject!!!

Was reading a friends blog about their work Christmas do, and it reminded me about mine. Notwithstanding the party frock saga, I'm really not looking forward to my work's do on Thursday night. I'm already trying to work out an appropriate time to leave. My excuse is that I have to catch a train home so definately can't stay out too late. Woman on her own and all that...

Just thinking how many there are of us who end up going to such events but given half a chance would be somewhere else. To be fair I haven't been to a work's do for a long time. Don't know if it an age thing? I like to think it's just that as I've got older and more self assured, I'm now more choosey about who I spend my social time with!! Gone are the days that I'm prepared to make inane small talk, with people I wouldn't choose to see after work, and pretend I'm having a good time, when clearly I'm not.

I know I'm in danger of making myself sound like a real barrel of laughs, but the fact is I'm not and never was someone who wanted to be the life and soul of a party. I like small, more intimate gathering of friends. I enjoy laughing, chatting and joking into the wee hours of the morning, but it has to be with the right bunch of people. Next week our little department is going skating and then having a meal afterwards. Now, that I am looking forward to. Although I'll still not stay out too late! Got that train to catch...

Quiet
Except for...
The gentle patter of cats sneaking home after a good night's prowl
The rustle of winter leaves that haven't been swept away
The odd car moving in the distance, to who knows where

The air smells sweet following the night rain
tinged with the musty aroma of damp earth
Strangley comforting

The path winds its way to the station
The colours of the breaking dawn come into view
Dark clouds open up to reveal the deepest of purples and fiery reds

Another dawn breaks, another day beckons
Who knows what delights it will bring?

I'm aware the year is nearing an end, but every now and then I forget. Then something happens to shake me back to reality. BBC Sports Personality of the Year has been my shake up this evening! I'm sitting here, thinking, nah, can't be....already??

Each year definately seems to be flying by faster than the previous. Is this an age thing?

Note to self #1: when you know you don't have any eveningwear in your cupboard (& you've known for some time), don't wait until the weekend before the party to go out and try buy something!!!
Note to self #2: when you next move house, don't throw out all your eveningwear!

I pride myself on travelling light, don't like lots of stuff. So, whenever I move house, I do a huge clear out. This inadvertantly results in me later regretting some of the things I've thrown out. This brings me to this weekend. Our work Christmas do is next week and I've been putting off going shopping. I dislike shopping at the best of times, but particularly at this time of year. Decided for a change that I'd try buy a dress as I tend to wear trousers to work. Even found a dress I liked - saw it in a particular shop's catalogue. So, this morning, I got up early and headed into London.

Well, let's just say I feel like I've spent the day travelling to the far corners of London! The shop in question has branches off Oxford Street, Covent Garden and Ealing (west London). I visited 2 of the 3 - the one I couldn't find was Covent Garden and by then I was getting seriously fed up. You'll have guessed therefore that I couldn't find the dress in my size!!! By that time, I couldn't face going into other shops to find an alternative. It was mad out there!!

Battling hordes of people in central London tends to make me grumpy and I have been known to emit the odd growl as I hustle past. To make matters worse, today it has been absolutely piddling down with rain so the hordes had umbrellas! I was cold, fed up and not happy, so with latte in hand decided to head back home. I was all ready to go into work on Monday and say I wasn't able to go to the party! Wouldn't go down too well though. Sitting on the train, thought I'd head into Tunbridge Wells the next day and find something... anything! Watching the rain falling, decided to just bite the bullet and finish off the job today. So, chugged past my home station and went down to Tunbridge Wells.

Outcome? No dress, no party frock, but have bought some evening trousers and a top. I'd reached saturation point - I really, really don't like clothes shopping. In that sense I'm not very "girlie".

Will I learn my lesson? Doubt it!

For those who don't know what the heck colposcopy is, it's an examination of a woman's cervix. A couple of weeks ago I had to go in for a colposcopy. Didn't think I was nervous or worried. The nurse and doctor were very kind and explained everything to me, in terms of what was going to happen.

So, I put on the fetching gown, which was open at the back, and seated myself down in the weirdest of chairs. Don't quite know if it was kinky or torturous!? Doctor came in, I went backwards with legs in the air and a small camera was inserted. Warning, when the nurse asks do you want to watch what happens. It's no point saying no, because regardless of your answer the TV is put on and all of a sudden you're seeing pictures of inside yourself. All a bit surreal!! Even more so when you see cotton buds going in - you can't really feel anything. Anyway, the outcome was they needed to take 2 small biopsies to send off for further analysis. Up to that point, I had been handling the whole thing rather well. Then the nurse asked whether I had come alone (I had) and I could feel myself starting to shake and well up. Managed to keep back the tears but was aware of my legs shaking so much that the Doctor kept asking if I felt OK. Once I got outside, I blubbed all the way to the car and home.

When people ask me if I'm OK about it all, I keep saying that it's no point worrying as there's not a lot I can do. Until the results come back, I wont know if there is a problem. If there is, then least it's known about and they can do something. Anything they find should be in the early stages.

They said the results would take about 2 weeks. Well, 2 weeks have now passed and I've not had the results back yet. I've realised I'm not so laid back about it as I've tried to make out. I am worried. All week I've been on edge and can feel tightness in my chest. Why do I do this to myself? I always hold things in and manage to convince myself I'm OK. Showing vulnerablity in person is not something I find very easy. (Exposing myself - so to speak - via the blog is easier as this is anonymous. Except for one person, none of you in blogland know who I am.)

On the one hand, I do honestly believe there is no point worrying, because there is nothing I can do. I just have to wait and see what the results are. But, at the same time, I can't help but worry and feel scared.......

I actually don't mind the early winter evenings. Leaving London this evening by train, the city looked beautiful with all the lights twinkling.

As the train left Charring Cross, the London Eye was all lit up in lights of blue; the Thames was lined with white lights and the maginificant old buildings along the river were lit up in orange hues. We passed the South Bank and I noticed that blocks of concrete were lit up in dark blues and purple. It all looked wonderful.

As we travelled through South London out into Kent, I came a bit of a voyeur. Peaking into houses alongside the tracks. Everything looked warm, cozy and comforting. It was all made even more special by all the Christmas lights. It's amazing how many homes have put up their decorations and lights. What would have made the scene truly magical? A blanket of pure white snow. But alas, all I had was rain!!

Travelling deeper into Kent, it was also comforting to see patches of no lights. Humans haven't quite invaded every acre of land. What was interesting was seeing lights where I didn't realise there were houses. The summer foliage of the trees hide so much from view. At night, everything is a little more exposed.

I enjoyed my journey home this evening. Taking in my surroundings and appreciating the view rather than putting my head into a book. I'm now sitting here with a smile on my face!

I did warn you - I can be up and down like a bloody yo-yo! So, having been hanging down a fair bit recently, in a strange sort of way, the yo-yo is on it’s way up! Last night I vented some stuff via email to a friend and this morning, as I was listening to a song by John Gregory “Ride of your Life”, I started to feel a lot more positive.
When you’re feeling down, it’s too easy to try and abdicate responsibility for self and to feel you’ve lost control. But ultimately, what we do, the choices we make are really down to us. Deep down we know what is good for us but those feelings, intuition - whatever you want to call it - gets drowned out by fear. And many times I’m not sure we are really conscious that that is what is happening.
Do you believe that “things are meant to be” and that when life feels like walking up a hill of treacle, it means you are trying to force things to happen that aren’t meant at that particular time?
Might have mentioned this before, but when I was a child I always knew I wouldn’t live in South Africa (where I was growing up). I knew I’d leave. As I got older I became aware that my father was actually born in the UK and so I got a British Passport. After I graduated from university, I left South Africa, arrived in the UK not knowing the place at all, got a job and almost 20 years later, I’m still here with no intention of going back. Now I know it sounds all so simple, and actually it was! This is despite the fact I’m a crap saver and the question of how I was going to get over to the UK didn’t seem to be a barrier for me. It never actually crossed my mind. The fact that I knew no-one in this country and would be leaving behind all friends and family, didn’t bother me. I had a degree in History & Social Anthropology with no practical work experience behind me, which again never seemed to be an issue either. So I arrived with £500 and within a month found a job and a place to live. Oh, when I arrived, I wanted to work for the BBC and within a year I was. Looking back, everything just fell into place for me. People say it was a brave thing for me to do, to leave my home. I didn’t and don’t think it was brave – to me it was a natural thing to do.
Many years later, I resigned from a job (moved on from the BBC by then) without a job to go to. At the time not only did I have rather large debts, I was also paying over £900 in rent. (Remember I’m the crap saver). But I had reached a point and it felt like the right thing to do. Within a few weeks I was working again at a higher salary.
What’s the point to all of this? I guess I’m trying to remind myself that when things feel like shit and it all seems to be going pear shape, I need to stop trying to force things. I need to sit back, take a breath, relax and see where life leads me. To do what “feels right” rather than what’s expected. To do something but not out of fear. It’s definitely not always easy.
From past blogs you’ll know that I have a wish to move to Cornwall which I do believe is the right thing to do. Following the debacle of my interview some months back, I’ve not spotted any suitable jobs in the area. Along with other things, I’ve now thought that maybe I was trying to force a move when actually it isn't the right time now. I also know however that I want to leave my current job as I’m tired of the hour long commute into London. I’ve just started the job search locally and already an agency has come back with a role which is located 15 minutes away at a salary which matches what I’m on. It’s only on a 6 month initial contract, but that doesn’t seem to bother me. So maybe I need to hang around this neck of the woods a little longer. I have asked the agency to put my CV forward so will keep you updated.

Finally, there’s a line from the song that I mentioned earlier which I’d like to leave you with: There’s no future living in the past…