Been a rather mixed week. As you may have gathered from previous posts, I'm getting rather tired of having ups and downs in short successions. I'm only too aware that life isn't a bed of roses and frankly I'm quite pleased it isn't. Not only would it become boring but I'm sure we'd all start taking things for granted and not appreciate the sunshine. But I guess I just wish sometimes things would stay a little more on an even keel. I know I'm tired and when feeling tired, I get a bit more emotional (which I do know is "normal").
Is it also normal to start becoming more reflective about life, the universe and everything as the days draw closer to the end of another year? Only hope that by the time the end of the year arrives, I'll have got all the reflective bits out of the way and will be looking to the new year with more hope and positivity.
Least there is a good chance I'll be ending the year with having increase my friends by 1 rather than my usual of pushing people away. Although come 31st Dec we'll see if that still holds true. I'm very good at saying all good and positive stuff even when deep down I don't always feel it. That's why people who know me always think I'm kind, considerate, understanding, etc.. I never think there is a point of making an issue over things and therefore keep quiet. Sometimes I really wish I didn't because I feel being all sweet and good hasn't got me anywhere. By showing understanding I wonder if it is read by others as if I don't care. So, sometimes I think I ought to be more demanding or forceful. To give an example, many years ago the partner I was with at the time asked if I minded if he went to the Caribbean with a female friend and another couple. I would be out of the country at the time. As adults I didn't feel I should be telling him what to do or not to do. I thought it would be silly if I said No. So, I "let him go" knowing what would happen. I got back, and yep, they'd got friendly so end of our relationship. I wonder whether had I said that I did mind things would have turned out as they had. To be honest in this scenario I'm sure he still would have had the affair. But at times I think because I do come across as so understanding, inadvertantly I'm allowing myself to be taken for granted. Good girls don't get what they want nor have fun. I'm tired of being a good girl!!!
This post is rather rambling (I am sober so can't blame anything!) - not sure it will make sense to many people. Oh well.........