Been a rather mixed week. As you may have gathered from previous posts, I'm getting rather tired of having ups and downs in short successions. I'm only too aware that life isn't a bed of roses and frankly I'm quite pleased it isn't. Not only would it become boring but I'm sure we'd all start taking things for granted and not appreciate the sunshine. But I guess I just wish sometimes things would stay a little more on an even keel. I know I'm tired and when feeling tired, I get a bit more emotional (which I do know is "normal").
Is it also normal to start becoming more reflective about life, the universe and everything as the days draw closer to the end of another year? Only hope that by the time the end of the year arrives, I'll have got all the reflective bits out of the way and will be looking to the new year with more hope and positivity.
Least there is a good chance I'll be ending the year with having increase my friends by 1 rather than my usual of pushing people away. Although come 31st Dec we'll see if that still holds true. I'm very good at saying all good and positive stuff even when deep down I don't always feel it. That's why people who know me always think I'm kind, considerate, understanding, etc.. I never think there is a point of making an issue over things and therefore keep quiet. Sometimes I really wish I didn't because I feel being all sweet and good hasn't got me anywhere. By showing understanding I wonder if it is read by others as if I don't care. So, sometimes I think I ought to be more demanding or forceful. To give an example, many years ago the partner I was with at the time asked if I minded if he went to the Caribbean with a female friend and another couple. I would be out of the country at the time. As adults I didn't feel I should be telling him what to do or not to do. I thought it would be silly if I said No. So, I "let him go" knowing what would happen. I got back, and yep, they'd got friendly so end of our relationship. I wonder whether had I said that I did mind things would have turned out as they had. To be honest in this scenario I'm sure he still would have had the affair. But at times I think because I do come across as so understanding, inadvertantly I'm allowing myself to be taken for granted. Good girls don't get what they want nor have fun. I'm tired of being a good girl!!!
This post is rather rambling (I am sober so can't blame anything!) - not sure it will make sense to many people. Oh well.........

You'll recognise the picture from my profile. Thought it was time to tell you a little more about it and why, although it's not artistically good, it means a lot to me. It's a painting I did nearly a year ago - around Christmas/New Year time. It was my first attempt at using acrylics and it's also the first painting I painted that I actually kept. Up until that point, I would always destroy anything I did. Never being happy with how things turned out.
The painting was inspired by the following advert I had seen in a magazine. When I looked at the picture, it evoked feelings of saying goodbye to all the things in my life I was unhappy with:

I had literaly been dumped 3 days before Christmas and although I have spent many a Christmas & New Year alone in the past, you can imagine I wasn't at my happiest. Having said that, I got through it and considering what had happened, it actually wasn't my worst Christmas /New Year ever! I ended up doing a lot of thinking about my life, where it was going, why I had difficulty being in relationships. In other words, a lot of navel gazing! It was as a result of all that contemplation that I did the painting above. As I said, it's not "perfect" but to me it does seem to capture the feelings I was going through at the time. Holding up my life to the wind and letting it blow all the bad bits away.
We are not even at the end of 2007 and I'm already starting to question how much has changed for me over the past year and have I really said goodbye to all the things I had hoped to. I face another Christmas & New Year alone (before anyone comments on that bit, please don't! I'm not after sympathy and actually it's not that bad. I'd prefer to be alone than spend it with people I hardly know) but I am stronger than I have been for a long time. I've come to understand that my happiness is down to me rather than dependant on other people. And, most importantly, the past year has resulted in very good friendships.
So, it looks like come 31/12/07 I will be able to toast the good that has happened. On the inspiration front, I now just need to look out for something that will capture 2007. I like the thought of ending each year painting a picture that captures the essence of my journey that year.

I was never someone that did one night stands. Sometimes I wish I could - well, not sure that's true. Sitting in bed alone, with my blog, thinking that it would be nice to cuddle up to someone tonight. Actually, it would be nice to do more than cuddle up to someone

I enjoy the feeling of naked skin against naked skin - the softness, warmth and sensuality of it. Touching and caressing. I enjoy the passion of lovemaking but also having fun at the same time. Laughing, teasing, smiling...together.

Going back to my comment about one night stands, as much as I yearn to be
fd, I can't bring myself to "do it" with just anyone. I need to fancy them, yes, but I need to feel a level of trust as well. Sex/lovemaking is about letting go....totally and for me to do that, I need to feel safe and secure.

I would never judge anyone who did one night stands - they're probably having a lot more fun than me right now!

On the way home this evening, a book I was reading got me thinking (dangerous, I know!):

When we are young, we spend our time looking to tomorrow. We think about what we'd do when we finished school/university or grew older. We made plans - plans to be married/rich/have children/buy a house/be successful, etc. Our thoughts drift to the future and all it's possibilities. We think our lives will really begin.....tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow.

When we get older, the opposite happens and we stop looking to tomorrow but think about yesterday. Our thoughts drift to our past and what we did or should have done. Remembering the good times but also sometimes regretting choices or mistakes made. Wondering what life would be like if..... There is the danger that we spend too much time thinking about what was.

When do we have time to think about what is now? By missing out on the now are we placing ourselves in a vicious cycle of looking to tomorrow, and then when tomorrow comes, looking to yesterday and wishing we had done X?

Emotions! The "thing" that helps us feel pain, sorrow, joy, happiness, pleasure, excitedness, etc.. I just wish my emotions were a little more stable. I don't like the fact that I can go from feeling happy/OK to feeling sad. I hate the fact that I can go from being really optimistic to being  pessimistic in the same day.

And most of all, I dislike the fact that when I'm like this, I don't know why.

Don't know if anyone has heard this song, but I love the words. Especially the 2nd verse:

Your coffee's warm but your milk is sour
Life is short but you're here to flower
Dream yourself along another day
Never miss opportunity
Don't be scared of what you cannot see
Your only fear is possibility
Never wonder what the hell went wrong
Your second chance may never come along

Take time to listen and enjoy!

When I was a child, I had various impressions of what being grown up would be like. Now that I am supposed to be grown up, I look back and think, life isn't quite like I thought it would be.

Myth 1 : When you grow up you'll feel all grown up. Actually, I don't. Yes, my thought and views have been refined over time, but I don't "feel" like I thought I would "feel". I don't feel like I'm 41 years old (and that's not me going through a midlife crises either!)

Myth 2 : When you grow up you'll stop getting spots on your face (or anywhere else). My skin has erupted recently and I would give a spotty teenager a run for their money!!! Finding out this is a myth, really pisses me off. Had acne late as a teenager and looked forward to growing out of it. Huh!! Sorry, don't feel particularly attractive at the moment and not too sure the erupted skin has made me look any worse!

Myth 3 : When you grow up you'll become sensible. Nope, ain't true! I was probably more sensible as a teenager.

Myth 4 : When you grow up you'll be able to take what life throws at you in your stride. Again, finding this one was a myth, pissed me off. Life doesn't make any more sense to me as an adult plus I feel more screwed up than I ever did as a teenager.

Well the above are just some of the ones that annoy me the most. What are your myths about growing up?

Following yesterdays blog, I've been giving a lot of thought to the word "freedom". I've therefore posted below a few of my favourite quotes on the subject.

Before I get into the quotes, today I was inspired to do the following drawing of a dolphin (using pastels). It's inspired from a necklace I bought in Boston to remind me not only of my epic Atlantic journey but also to remind myself of how wonderful it felt to see the wild dolphins on route. I hope you like it as I enjoyed doing it and pleased with how it turned out.

Now the quotes:
Freedom is not merely the opportunity to do as one pleases; neither is it merely the opportunity to choose between set alternatives. Freedom is, first of all, the chance to formulate the available choices, to argue over them -- and then, the opportunity to choose. (C. Wright Mills)

The average man does not want to be free. He simply wants to be safe. (H. L. Mencken)

If we do not believe in freedom of speech for those we despise we do not believe in it at all. (Noam Chomsky)

Everything can be taken from a man but ... the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way. (Victor Frankl)

There is no easy walk to freedom anywhere, and many of us will have to pass through the valley of the shadow of death again and again before we reach the mountaintop of our desires. (Nelson Mandela)

Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes. (Mahatma Gandhi)

People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use. (Soren Kierkegaard)

And on that last quote, I hope everyone in blogland is having a good weekend!! Take care everyone!

Sort of sitting here, at home, blindly surfing the internet when I came across a wonderful painting of dolphins (not, the picture I've attached below), but what really struck me was what the artist wrote:

"Dolphins remind us of our highest, truest nature - that of freedom, non-attachment, joy, fun, play, communion, curiosity, dance and movement, compassion, humor and so forth. They are also notoriously openly sexual and have sex for the joy of it and not merely for procreation!"

Like a lot of people, I am fascinated by dolphins. Been lucky enough to have seen wild pods in the Atlantic when I sailed over to Boston from Southampton. It was thrilling to watch them play in the bow wave and you definately felt they were observing us, just as we them. There was curiousity in their eyes (& yes, I saw them close enough to look into their eyes)- they came to see what this big lump was in the sea and having had their fun, swam off. Without a doubt, seeing a dolphin uplifts the spirit. Well, it does me and I feel like a child in their presence - giggly, smiling, joyous and excitable!

I'm not naive enough to think they are soft & cuddly. I, too have seen those nature programmes that have revealed dolphins like other wildlife, can kill, injure and "bully" their own kind. But, as quoted above, they do seem to remind us of joy, fun, play, curiosity, etc. Whenever I imagine the word freedom and what it means, there are 2 images that come to mind - dolphins and wild horses.

At the moment, I'm really drawn to images of dolphins and they really resonate with me. I guess the reason for that is I feel constraint in all aspects of my life and have an overwhelming desire to be free. I know freedom is very much a state of mind and that's what I'm working on. Freedom isn't running away, which is far too easy and something I am prone to do. It isn't about being wealthy, it's about having sufficient. And, it's definately about non-attachment. When your happiness or emotional well being is in some ways dependant on someone or something, then your life is ruled by fear - fear of losing that someone or something. You can't be free in those circumstances. Being free isn't being alone, aloof and distant either. It's about loving yourself and others but not expecting anything in return.

I'm in danger of getting a bit "heavy" so I will end by saying, I'm glad my favourite mammal enjoys sex too!!!

Wanted to share these pictures of a sunset on a most wonderful beach in Cornwall. Don't want to say the name as it's hard to find and want to keep it that way.

Made me think that with each sunset there is a sunrise. A new day follows full of opportunity. I guess the trick in life is to see the dawn of each new day as such. Easier said than done, I know.

Two people meet via an online dating site. Both live miles from each other but through their emails & msm exchanges, pretty quickly became "comfortable" with each other. The nature of their conversations becomes more and more riske. Soon the exchanges, including telephone calls turn from hypothetical to what they'd like to do to each other.

It would be fairy tale stuff (of the soppy kind) if I said they met up on a glorious summer day - it was summer, and it was glorious but not as a result of the weather. Weather was overcast but least the rain held off. When she first saw him, she breathed a sigh of relief. She had met up before with people via the dating site and had bad experiences. With him, it was none of that. It felt natural to be with him, just walking and talking. He plucked up the courage to put his arm around her and they held hands and eventually kissed. Again, it just felt so natural. There's no other way to describe it.

They spent 2 evenings together before he had to drive back home. It was clear to her then that there were still things that haunted him about the breakup of his marriage but that was understandable. That was set against how "right" it felt being with him. August came and she spent 2 wonderful long weekends with him down where he lived. Again she was struck about how natural and comfortable things felt. What did worry her was although the days started bright enough, when it came to her leaving, the mood would become more down and the conversations become "darker". She worried whether her not living close by would start to have an effect. She didn't know what "they" were - they weren't strictly in relationship and she could tell from the chats they had, that he was still coming to terms with what had happened. Neither made any promises to each other and she told herself to just take each day as it came and to enjoy whatever moments they had together. There was an opportunity to go for a job near where he lived which she botched up. The tears for not getting the job were because it took away an opportunity to move down sooner rather than later. Yes, she wanted to move down anyway, but now there was an added incentive - to be nearer to him.

In the aftermath and feeling low, she wrote asking him about "them". He was honest and said he didn't really know what he wanted, didn't know how things would turn out. Now, it's all come to a head. He can't continue with the way things are, can't offer a relationship and doesn't want to hurt her. They have said they both want to remain friends. The tears have flowed from both sides - he thinks he's hurt her and says he regrets that the friendship started sexually rather than being just friends first.

I can't regret. To me, that word means wishing you never did something. Yes, our "relationship", whatever you want to call it, fast tracked on a sexual level. But he helped me release some anxeities I had about sex. He opened doors for me and helped me explore what I enjoyed. He wouldn't judge me but would encourage me. He is soft, gentle, giving, sensuous. I loved snuggling into him, kissing him and bringing him pleasure. I do believe the intimacy helped us open up to each other in a way that we wouldn't have done. I don't regret that. And it was more than just the sex. I enjoy being in his company, going for adventures with him, just sitting close by not necessarily saying anything. We both like fairly desolate and rugged places and he took me places I wouldn't have found on my own.

I do think the distance between where we live has not helped. I know from my side, it was harder each time to leave him. It was hard knowing I couldn't just pop round for a cup of tea or to go round to the house when he was having a bad time. Yes, I wanted to share his world with him.

We have said we'd work at being friends. It's a promise to him I mean to keep. I know he's already had one promise given to him broken, and I don't intend to break mine. I still intend to visit him, but worry about how it will be. It will be hard not to want to hold him - be it a long cuddle or to just walk holding his hand. It'll be hard not to want to snuggle into his arms or stroke his hair.

I have looked up the actual meaning of the word "regret" and it comes up as "To feel sorry, disappointed, or distressed about". I guess I do feel sorry, sorry that I wasn't able to be the little ray of sunshine amongst all his "fog"; to be the lighthouse showing him a safe haven. He is in a dark place right now, and I wish he wouldn't hurt so much. He is beating himself up about me and I don't want him to. I care about him deeply and will continue to do so. He is far more special as a person than he will accept. It's not his fault I have fallen for him. He has been brave enough to be honest with me and I respect that. He has not lied to me or deceived me.

My tears are 2 fold - there are tears for him because I know how much he is currently hurting. It is hard to watch someone hurting so much for whom you care about so deeply. There is such a feeling of helplessness - not being able to do anything to help make it better. When he asks how I am, I don't know what to say. I know he will turn any hurt I'm feeling into reasons as to why he should hate himself even more. It'll give him "reason" as to why, in his eyes, he is a carrier of pain and destruction. He is not and I don't want to give him any excuses to feel worse about himself. Yes, I am hurting - I allowed myself to fall for him knowing he wasn't in the right place. And yes, I will miss being able to hold and caress him.

I therefore hope, through friendship, I can be a little light for him as he has been for me. He has given me so much and I don't feel I have given him enough in return.

I've closed the "comments" section for this blog as I don't think it is appropriate (if that makes sense). I've always intended this blog to be a sort of online diary - there are times when it is good to have comments and there will be times I feel it is not. This is one of them.

I've just got back from Cornwall. Whilst away, there were a few things which I thought I could blog about so over the next couple of days, I'll be telling you about my little holiday. Today, it's about my visit to Tintagel castle. Whist sitting on Barras Nose (see picture below) I actually pulled out a scrap of paper and wrote the following (nothing poetic, I hasten to add!):

I'm sitting on Barras Nose, Tintagel, overlooking the sea and King Arthur's so called castle to my left. I'm not hugely into the King Arthur legend, and to be honest, was almost put off visiting the castle because of the link. I'm glad I didn't listen to my prejudices as I have been impressed by the the setting of the ruined castle and think the surrounding cliffs are absolutely wonderful. It's definately not what I expected. It's also been good visiting late October/early Nov as the place isn't teeming with tourists (yes, I know that's contradictory as I am strictly a "tourist"!). Anyway, I spent quite a few hours just wandering round - far longer than originally planned. The weather isn't brilliant, but in many ways that just adds to the place. As I was wondering round, spotted a Kestral hovering overhead. It seemed so close and because of the cliffs, it felt like you could reach out and touch it. It was amazing watching it especially when it was joined by another Kestral. They didn't catch anything but I did feel privileged to have watched them.

The drizzle has now stopped and the sun has started to peak through the clouds. I could easily sit here all day but need to head off before I get a parking ticket. Hopefully in the not too distant future, I'll be able to visit this coastline whenever I want to because I'll be living down the road, rather than 5 hours away.