Mentioned briefly in my first blog that the last few years or so have been a voyage of self discovery. Unearthing (& believe me at times it has felt like that!) who I am and learning to accept my quirks and contradictions. I've also recently learnt more about friends, things I wouldn't have guessed when I first met them. And, that's been great! Have you ever people watched and wondered who they were and what they got up to behind closed doors? Well I find people watching absolutely fascinating and it is with renewed interest that I now watch my fellow commuters on our daily 45 minute train journey to and from London.

I no longer think about what they might get up to (although that bit is still fun ) but whether they are being true to themselves. How many are still trying to live up to the expectations of their parents, partners, etc.? How many are suppressing their wants and desires? I realise the answers aren't simple, and I don't wish to take this argument to it's extreme - I'll only probably end up going round in circles and contradicting myself! But generally speaking, I do think it is sad that for whatever reasons we feel we can't be who we are. And in some cases, forget. Or, have difficulty accepting who we are because of pressures from society, family, etc.

This pressure must contribute to why more and more people feel "screwed up" and alienated. Which I think is ironic as we're supposed to be living in a more enlightened age! I suffer from depression and I know there is a genetic link (grandfather committed suicide; there is still questions around my own fathers death - accident/deliberate). Even though for as long as I can remember I have had my moments, I've always managed to cope with the bad and crawl my way out without the use of medication. That was until approx. 7 years ago when the bouts became harder and harder to cope with and eventually in 2002 I sought my doctors help. I was on medication on and off for the next 3 or so years and its only been in the last year that I feel back to being able to cope again without the use of medication. Looking back, that period coincided with a time when I very much pushed "me" aside in a big way. Partly to fit in with my partner at the time's wishes and expectations, but also with what I thought I "ought" to be. I was trying to be someone I fundementally was not.

Now, I accept that I don't want to be a high flying city woman. I'm not ambitious nor do I want to climb the corporate ladder. I don't enjoy long distance sailing. I accept my chances of a being a mother have passed me by. I do suffer from depression and always will. I can be social when I want to be, but will never feel comfortable being the centre of attention. People aren't very good at mind reading, and therefore if I want something or don't like something, I now say rather than sulk. I hate living in built up environments, but am doing something about it rather than just moaning. I enjoy sex and do have a "darker" side, but pleasure doesn't make me feel guilty anymore. Memories of bad past experiences are just that - memories - they should not have a hold on me now nor dictate how I live my life. I am a bag of contradictions - serious & grown up vs girlie & mischevious; adventurous vs cautious; predictable vs unpredictable; etc - so what?

I'm not there yet and am still on my journey of self discovery and acceptance. I've been suppressing me for more than half my lifetime, so know it'll probably take the rest of my lifetime to figure me out. But....hey... I'm enjoying the journey. I do however wish I could shake some of my fellow passengers and ask "what would you really, really like to be doing?" What about you?